Good Baby TipsTips for keeping your baby happy and healthy

The Fear of Spoiling:

The fear of spoiling a baby, especially for first time parents, is a constant companion in parenthood. Not knowing what parenthood is like and always anxious to please their child, parents worry that they will spoil their baby’s habits, making him, in turn, a spoilt toddler, a spoilt child and a spoilt teenager. The fear of spoiling one’s own child come from the Spoiling Theory, popularized by childcare ‘experts’ in the early part of the twentieth century. The theory suggests that if you pick up a baby when he cries, he will understand that this is the way to get things done his way. Consequently, he will cry more to be picked up. However, observation and research shows that this is not true in real life.

New parents are also warned against “manipulation” at the hands of their baby. It should be understood that the baby is too young to understand manipulation. He does not purposefully annoy his mother. When he cries in the first few months of his life, he is expressing a need that should be fulfilled. He is not trying to take undue advantage.

What to Do When My Baby Cries:

Keep in mind that very young babies cannot be spoilt. Their crying does not indicate that they need undue attention. As it is their only mode of communication. If a baby cries he is only communicating that need to us. Something that rightly requires attention. Maybe he is hungry, or sleepy, or wet, or in pain. If a baby does not cry, the parents would never get to know that he needs something.

In the early twentieth century, mothers were told not to give ‘undue’ attention to their child, which meant that they were to ignore the baby unless it was his feeding time. They had to endure the torture of seeing their baby cry and scream and not be able to pick him up and soothe him. People also thought that feeding the baby on self-demand would spoil him. However, researches now show that rushing to meet your baby’s needs actually builds a strong bond of love, trust and security. When the mother gives importance to a baby’s cry, it teaches him self-worth. He also understands not to cry without a purpose. Contrary to the belief that babies become very dependent on parents if all their needs are met by them, it is observed that in the long run, babies whose needs are immediately met grow up to be more confident and independent.

Never underestimate the importance of holding and touching your baby when he cries and needs comforting. According to Complete Pregnancy and Baby Book, picking up and holding the baby does not spoil him. Instead, it is a recognized fact that touching a baby helps to build a bond between the mother and child. Mothers who are separated from their babies during the first hour after birth are less confident in their intuitive mothering skills than those who hold theirs and go through the bonding process. As the skin is the baby’s largest and most well-developed sensory organ, the gentle and warm touch of the parents reassures him of their love.

Is it Impossible to Spoil a Baby?

Till 4 or 6 months of age, it is impossible to make a brat out of your child. Till this age babies only express their physical needs (sleep, hunger etc.) and psychological needs (to be held, comforted, reassured etc.) through crying. As the baby’s wants are his needs too till this age, a consistent ‘yes’ response teaches him trust and make him more accepting of a ‘no’ later. However, as the baby grows older, he will learn to express other desires and ask for things that might be harmful for him. This is where you, as a parent, should decide for him. If you do not stop him from things that are harmful for him at this age, there is definitely a chance of spoiling hm. When the baby starts to realize his power, he might exert it.

People often worry about having out-of-control toddlers. This can certainly happen if you keep giving in to each and every demand of the child. It is important to distinguish between the baby’s needs and demands and parents often struggle to do so. A good point to remember to distinguish between these is suggested by Dr. Greene. According to him, whenever your baby asks for something “ask yourself if you are giving your baby what they want or if you are giving in to what they want.” (Click for source)

Holding your baby, responding to his cries, nursing him on cue, and even sleeping with him won’t spoil him. Every baby might have some unique requirement of his own, e.g. some babies want to be cuddled all the time. Even fulfilling these would not mean you are spoiling him. Responding appropriately to your baby won’t spoil him; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately. It is up to you to decide where you want to draw the line.

Attachment Parenting and Indulgent Parenting:

Parents often worry about which style of parenting to adopt to avoid spoiling their children. Some people are of the opinion that ‘attachment parenting’ spoils children but it is important to remember that attachment parenting is not the same as overindulging kids or creating inappropriate dependency. Attachment is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, a strong emotional bond with parents during childhood, is a precursor of secure, empathic relationships in adulthood. (Click for source) The possessive or over-indulgent parent is constantly in a flurry around her child, doing everything for him because of her own fears and insecurity. Her child may become overly dependent, because he has been kept from doing what he needs to do. An attached mother recognizes when it is appropriate to let her child struggle a bit, experience some frustration, so that he can grow. This is why it is important to balance your chosen parenting style. Attachment differs from dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency hinders development. (Click for source)

Some Possible Causes of Parents’ Overindulgence:

Spoiling usually happens, or parents come near it, with the first child. Not only is it a new experience for them and they feel anxiously responsible for that little helpless human and try to do something to comfort him every time he cries, they also project their own hopes and fears on their first born. After their first experience, when the baby cries the parents are more assured and confident, they have a sense of proportion. They do not feel guilty about denying their child something that they are absolutely sure is for his good.

But still, some parents give in to their children’s demands more easily than other. According to Dr. Spock in Baby and Child Care, its possible cause could be:

• They have waited for a long time for a baby or suspect that they cannot have another.
• They have too little self-confidence and become slaves to whatever the child wants. They start expecting him to be whatever they could not be in life.
• They have adopted a baby and feel that they have to do a superhuman job to prove themselves worthy.
• Parents who have studied child psychology/medicine/nursing and feel they need to prove their capability in that field.
• They feel ashamed if they are upset with the baby and try to make things even by giving in to whatever he is asking for.

Always remember, giving love to your baby, hugging, touching, comforting, spending time with him cannot spoil him. It actually is the best part of parenthood. Babies soon grow out of your arms and want to explore everything on their own. So enjoy it while it lasts. Loving your child does not spoil him; in fact, you can never love him enough. Children with happy and secure childhoods are more likely to become confident and independent adults. But the hard part of parenting is to know when to say ‘no’ and be firm about it. It is for your child’s benefit and in the long run, you will see that your child will be grateful to you.